It’s been a hot minute!

Since the last post, I’ve moved out of the house, filed for divorce and moved into a new apartment with the love of my life. We’ll call him Bubs. I briefly touched on this change in my last post. How do I know that he is the love of my life? Because I’ve loved him for a long time. We met at Space Camp when we were teenagers. We had a long distance relationship and I was an idiot who was 17…. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the love he had for me and distance did not make it any easier. After graduating high school, he went to college in Florida, where I would later reconnect with him over spring break 2004.

I moved to Florida a month later. It was not easy to be away from him. We got married in the summer of 2005 and things went south the summer of 2006, and that’s when we split and I moved back home to Ohio. Long story short, I should have stayed and at least tried to make things work. We both should have been way more open and honest with each other, but neither of us had any good examples of what marriage is and/or could be.

Fast-forward 15 years later. It’s 2021. We are both ending marriages for a mix of reasons each. Bubs had been back home at his mom’s place and he found a collar that belonged to our late dog, Madison. 10/10 the best girl. I like to think that she planned this, somehow, from across the Rainbow Bridge. Both of us were in a bad place at just the right time. He messaged me on FaceBook and that was that, really. A few weeks later, we met in Chicago for a long weekend and the world I missed collided with the one I was reluctantly occupying. My time apart from Bubs might have never even happened; it all fell away when I hugged him again at O’Hare. His hug was the same, his smell was the same and his kisses still light my soul on fire.

I forgot that I could feel love like this, this intensely. He was the first person, outside of family, to which I said “I love you”. He would have been my first kiss, had I not totally chickened out the second year that we attended camp together… I had planned to kiss him goodbye and I was too afraid when the moment presented itself. What an idiot I was!!! Though, had I kissed him before leaving camp that year, I would have probably moved to Florida the minute we both graduated, when he went off to college.

Bubs and Squish, 4-ever ❤

Early Morning Scrambled Brains

My new work schedule is getting set in my brain and I’m waking up 2 hours earlier than I normally would on my own. I don’t like the feeling of the morning… The cold, flat light…. the feeling the my brain is still in bed, asleep, even though I’m part of the way through a very large iced coffee…. It’s a change that although was sudden, I had a little prep time for my autistic brain, rather than none at all. And on top of settling into a new job, in a slightly toxic office, the one person I thought I’d never hear from again, reached out to me a few days ago.

We were best friends. Plain and simple, we were young, and I certainly didn’t know my authentic self. All of the major traumas people can have in their pasts, we have had. Neither of us shared those things with each other and the communication needed for a healthy marriage just wasn’t there; mostly no fault of our own. It went south fairly fast. I thought my only option was to straight up bail. 17 years later, I would have treated the entire situation differently because I know who I am now.

Several people in my life are not happy about this and honestly, that’s the only part of the whole thing that is negative. Granted, I will give them all 100%, they do have a bit of a right to be. The people who put me back together are well within their place to have concern. What they don’t have the right to do, is get angry and not listen to me. First things, first… Ultimately, these are MY boundaries that I am adjusting. Did I think I’d ever adjust these particular boundaries? Nope. I gave up on the idea that any sort of mutual healing would ever happen. I licked my wounds for a really long time. Some of them stayed open for a really long time as a result. My pride, more than anything, had been severely battered. And then the trust broken, yada yada… Remember, I was also undiagnosed at the time. So how in the hell can I look at the situation the same way now?

I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. The way I view human nature and relationships is 100% completely different now. For starters, I don’t feel it is right that humans are forced to “mate for life”. Some animals may do it, but marriage isn’t even used for the same reasons. It was property, money and power. Anyway, this isn’t a discussion on my feeling of society’s ridiculous boxes. It could easily turn to that though.

Our friendship is easy and it took no time before we were on the phone, catching up and laughing over the same shit that we used to, back when we met at camp, at 15. The friendship was still there and it was a great friendship.

Change

Since receiving my MS earlier this year, I have been giving the job market the run-down. I have used Indeed for years, since getting my undergrad degree. But I recently got on zip recruiter and got really lucky.

The past two years have been really jumbled as far as work is concerned. I got rehired at Starbucks in February of 2020; it had been 4 years since my first go with the Sbux and I should have been retrained. I was not. I was thrown back in and then the pandemic hit. I chose to stay on their LOA program for the pandemic until the fall. Back at it once again in November, I fell at work. Let it go for a month and after I wasn’t getting better, I had my shoulder looked at…. blah blah…. had surgery at the end of this January and just recently got cleared to go back to work.

I’d been dreading going back to a shit job, for shit pay, serving shit customers. That’s why I got on ZR and applied for a few administrative positions for a few medical offices and a few law offices around town.

I was able to resign from Starbucks this past Monday, after my Zoom interview with a local dermatologist office. The position was for the front desk, but I was offered a much better position!! With more pay than I’ve ever been offered; even as a managing cosmetologist!!!! I’ll be coordinator for all new referrals for multiple locations all over the greater Cincinnati area and I start next week.

I shared the back story because since the pandemic and my surgery, I’ve been waking up without and alarm, every single day and having a wonderful routine for my days. That is about to get turned upside-down. I’ve never been a morning person and I’m pretty sure it has to do with my experience on the spectrum. It takes me until well after noon to be able to even begin to feel functional. Of course school was complete hell. And I’ve based my work schedule, up until now, on that fact. It is going to kill me to get up at 6am M-F.

I’m still pretty excited.

A Little Change, A Lot of Sims 4

That’s what I have been getting into. Now that I am finished with the Master’s, my Autie (trying to drop “Aspie” 😦 ) pandemic routine has solidified sufficiently enough that I am having a hard time adjusting what I really want. That might sound confusing. I want to add activities that I love, that I just did not have the time to do when I was in school. This goes back to 2011, when I enrolled in Kaplan University, in the Associate’s program for legal studies. I really enjoyed it and when it came time to finish up with my internship, I transferred all of my associate’s credits to the history BA program at Southern New Hampshire University. Jump to Jan 2018, I finished that degree and jumped right into the MS for political science. And now I’m done!…. maybe. There is an MEd that is calling my name.

Until the pandemic closures and panic, almost exactly a year ago, I had to fight for my “hermitism”. It has been nice hiding behind the pandemic, and I don’t have to answer for much of my withdraw from normal human interactions. However, the largest drain on my time, school, is over. Having my shoulder surgery back in January has been even more wonderful. I’ll take surgery and a painful recovery over traditional work any day. I don’t want to go back to work in the normal world, and I don’t think I will. If I do, I will probably drop down to two days instead of four. I’d honestly rather be financially stressed (because let us be honest, that is not getting solved anytime soon by our government) than socially stressed by having to work a normal job.

Anyway. I want to add things to my daily (EVERY SINGLE DAY) routine of: Wake up, coffee, Animal Crossing. If I have therapy, I’ll shower next and head out for that. If not, I’ll keep going on the routine that picks back up after therapy days. If I’m not going out, I skip the shower, and I might wash my hair. In the late afternoon, my routine turns into routine staring at the wall until I decide what I want to do… which is why I just end up staring at the wall. I could paint, play world of warcraft, watch a few Studio Ghibli films, listen to an audiobook, play more ACNH… play Mario or Mortal Kombat. I forget to eat. I play the Sims 4, like I normally do instead of any of the other options. I turn on the audiobook. I could pick up one of the many books I already have started… but which one???? I should really get back into being a devotee of Hekate; I can always work on that, but I don’t. I make myself a cup of tea because I suddenly remember I have tea and I never make it.

I’m tired. So I take a nap. What day is it? Maybe I’ll work on my digital art, so I grab my iPad Pro and Pencil 2. I’m suddenly aware of how extremely hungry I am. I should eat. But I gotta pee first. Okay! Gonna hop on Rosetta Stone Online, because I have the entire language catalog open to me, as well as free native tutoring online. I play around on all three languages I am prioritizing at the moment; German, French and Italian. I have a few planners that I should use… I’ve tried. I have tried everything from open freedom all day to planning everything by the hour, actually fitting in set times for anything mentioned above, plus. Even writing in this blog. I am overwhelmed by my freedom of choice, but I can’t make myself a structured day either.

Either way, I’m overdue for a tattoo.

Before the Sedative Kicks In.

After having really bad anxiety days, I always think about blogging during one. Today is that day.

I started feeling a little shaky yesterday afternoon and thought it was due to lack of food in my stomach; it was around 3 and I hadn’t eaten. Rather, I played Sims 4 for more than 6 hours straight. The urge to jerk my limbs and the subsequent jerking of said limbs kept me from sleeping soundly last night. I feel crazy. I hate the tight, restless feeling in my shoulders, neck, and chest. I took a quetiapine; a whole one. The worse I am, the less likely this will even make me fall asleep, which is what I want because I don’t want to feel like this. I’m beyond stimming or seeking a sensory overload even.

I ate a lunchable; one of my Aspie comfort foods. I made myself eat it because if I do knockout, I’ll be out until the evening. I need a shower today and I wanted to read. I wanted to play video games, and I most certainly would rather go to physical therapy for my shoulder than feel like this.

What It Looks Like: Ticks, Fidgets, and Stimming.

I knew I’d finally get back on track with the WILL series of posts. I’m finally done with school. I am finished with my master’s degree and that feels really weird. And it deserves its own post.

On to ticks, fidgets and stimming. The only reason I didn’t fill in the entire section on the graph, is because I have a good degree of control over my ticks and fidgets. I stim audibly, a lot. It is my own language and the best I can describe it is, is that it is rhyming gibberish. I direct it mostly at my pets, at home. However, there are times when I am in other settings and my mind wanders, I’ll blurt something out that I normally would only say at home. I was recently at my mom’s and I was going to the bathroom. My mind wandered and I said “oh beagle, beagle baby” out loud. It’s one of the many things I say to my two beagles, who were both at home at the time. I make noises when I do certain motions, a lot. Especially at work, I audibly stim weird noises. I wrestle with embarrassment over it.

I follow a lot of neurodiverse people on TikTok. I love the platform because I get to follow all of these different people and share their experiences. I love my people, even though I don’t know them personally. I’ve learned a lot from them all and it has helped me be kinder to myself. Something interesting I’ve learned, when I watch people with Tourette’s syndrome and similar tick disorders, it brings out my very tame, but very real ticks. They go way after a while.

Sometimes I don’t know how to end a post. This is one of those times.

Reality TV?

Is it really reality?

Okay. I love watching the drama. My favorite by far is TOWIE. The Only Way is Essex. Apparently, it is similar to The Hills, where a bunch of spoiled, rich assholes lay around and fight with each other. Honestly, it is fascinating. Everyone is dating everyone, cheating on everyone and having parties. Like, where do these brats come from?

I wish I had their ‘problems’…. It must be so hard to do nothing and have everything.

But what really gets me, is how they all behave socially. Why do they care who is dating who? Why do people even care about being single? It makes no sense to me, which makes sense because I am neurodiverse. Their priorities are just out of this world. Like, why can’t the guys be faithful? What can’t the girls just do their own thing and not obsess over the guys? It is all a bunch of backstabbing, which I also don’t understand. Why do shit that is gonna start worse shit? I could watch this shit all day. It makes my life seem so much more simple.

New Year, Same Crap

My blogging motivation is still zero. I have 4 weeks of my capstone semester left. I’m having surgery on my shoulder in a few days.

I am looking forward to the pain medicine. I fell back in November and even after finding out that I tore an 8mm section of tendon off of the bone, I have yet to have any. It feels as fun as it sounds! I’m a barista and it is my dominant arm. I’m freaking miserable.

I’m also having a difficult time doing any work on my capstone, which is a research proposal on raising the minimum wage in Ohio. I’m really over typing that phrase.

Very Little Patience.

I get being particular. I really understand, as I am one particular Aspie with A LOT of different things. Mostly, these are things that are only on my radar. I can do/correct these things without having to bother someone else. So much so, that I generally just give up and do most things myself.

Being in customer service sucks, even for neuro-typicals. As long as something is edible, I’ll be fine, even if the order is a little wrong because honestly, THERE ARE BIGGER PROBLEMS and I’m grateful that I have the means to eat out and what not. I have very little patience for people that return or complain about consumables.

Did you die?

Were you able to eat/drink it???

Shut up and be grateful.

As a barista at one of the most popular coffee companies in the world, I’ve heard it all. If you forget to tell your barista that you want something iced, versus hot, I get it…. that’s a bummer. But don’t hold everyone else up to have us remake the drink. Just don’t. Don’t be that person. It’s one thing if it doesn’t taste right (sometimes) or if it is a completely different flavor than what you ordered.

Story time…

Earlier this evening, a regular came into the store just to complain face to face, about the foam in her drink…..

FROM THE DAY BEFORE.

We have these new drinks that are topped with a “cold foam”. Basically, someone at corporate was bored and wanted to make some new shit to torture us with. All we do is blend our sweet cream mix to make it foamy and that’s that. The foam wasn’t as foamy as she wanted it to be. FUCK OFF. It’s shit like this that I just cannot tolerate.

Sorry, not sorry. I needed a rant post.