My new work schedule is getting set in my brain and I’m waking up 2 hours earlier than I normally would on my own. I don’t like the feeling of the morning… The cold, flat light…. the feeling the my brain is still in bed, asleep, even though I’m part of the way through a very large iced coffee…. It’s a change that although was sudden, I had a little prep time for my autistic brain, rather than none at all. And on top of settling into a new job, in a slightly toxic office, the one person I thought I’d never hear from again, reached out to me a few days ago.
We were best friends. Plain and simple, we were young, and I certainly didn’t know my authentic self. All of the major traumas people can have in their pasts, we have had. Neither of us shared those things with each other and the communication needed for a healthy marriage just wasn’t there; mostly no fault of our own. It went south fairly fast. I thought my only option was to straight up bail. 17 years later, I would have treated the entire situation differently because I know who I am now.
Several people in my life are not happy about this and honestly, that’s the only part of the whole thing that is negative. Granted, I will give them all 100%, they do have a bit of a right to be. The people who put me back together are well within their place to have concern. What they don’t have the right to do, is get angry and not listen to me. First things, first… Ultimately, these are MY boundaries that I am adjusting. Did I think I’d ever adjust these particular boundaries? Nope. I gave up on the idea that any sort of mutual healing would ever happen. I licked my wounds for a really long time. Some of them stayed open for a really long time as a result. My pride, more than anything, had been severely battered. And then the trust broken, yada yada… Remember, I was also undiagnosed at the time. So how in the hell can I look at the situation the same way now?
I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. The way I view human nature and relationships is 100% completely different now. For starters, I don’t feel it is right that humans are forced to “mate for life”. Some animals may do it, but marriage isn’t even used for the same reasons. It was property, money and power. Anyway, this isn’t a discussion on my feeling of society’s ridiculous boxes. It could easily turn to that though.
Our friendship is easy and it took no time before we were on the phone, catching up and laughing over the same shit that we used to, back when we met at camp, at 15. The friendship was still there and it was a great friendship.