The New Year is Here

I’ve been meaning to do a “New Year” post for a few weeks now. I don’t do the whole resolution thing because like most social traditions, I just don’t get the reason. I mean, I know why people do it. I just don’t see why… you know… like a true spectrum dweller.

I think about that a lot; why do certain social traditions exist? Bubs and I talk about our first wedding often in lieu of our re-do, pending the finalization of our current divorces. It was a full-on traditional wedding for the most part. Things like Zola and The Knot were not a thing, but I bought one of those giant wedding planning guides from ye olde book store and went to town. We had it a a large convention center and followed all of the Anglo traditions not tied to any one religion in general. The reception was very structured, as was the entire day. I wouldn’t have half the things today that we had then. The garter toss, the bouquet toss, the individual dances aside from our first dance… the toasts even, I would leave all of that out. Bubs remembers that we really didn’t get to enjoy the food, the cake or our champagne, as we were kept to the schedule of dances and such. The guest list would have been much smaller too. Aside from both families, the largest group were the friends of family. Mostly mine. Well, technically my mom and step-father. They had to invite everyone they knew. That is what it felt like. And of course, Bubs and I had to spend a lot of our time going table to table and talking to everyone. You can imagine how fun this was for us. SIKE! It was too much. We ended up just going to sleep when we got to the hotel that night.

Now that I know myself so much better, I really want more of a wedding than what we have been discussing as of late. I want to have family, but it is complicated on his end with his family. I want a little bit of the celebration and I want the people we love to be there again. I want to have invitations and a photographer. We don’t need a DJ or a minister, as my brother would do the handfasting ceremony. We would have shared vows while the cords are being tied, but nothing more formal than that. After, I would be happy with a really nice sandwich platter and home-made cupcakes. I have a simple lace dress and he can wear a suit and tie. All this, in my mom’s garden. Perfect.

As far as this new year is concerned, I just want both of our divorces to be finished at some point and I want to enjoy life with the person I love most, now that I have him back in my life.

What It Looks Like: Depression

I’ve had trouble with depression long before I had my ASD diagnosis. Having the ASD diagnosis now and also understanding myself more, I can see where much of my depression is caused by my life on the spectrum. I had a group of really solid friends throughout my school years and after. I still always felt different, although accepted by my friends, but still very different. Fold in the fact that while I am doing well, I am not where I had always seen myself, nor where my family thinks I should be in life. It is all a bother and has an impact on my mood in very negative ways. The country I thought I lived in as a young person is not the same one I actually live in and having earned an MS in Political Science, the difference is even more stark and extremely disappointing. It is all just very depressing for me.

Having to cut back on the marijuana due to a greater distance between me and my hook-up, along with living in a very expensive area of town, I’ve noticed a huge difference in my mood. Having the love of my life back, I have new and constant fear of loss; not of us splitting up again because we learned that lesson, but losing him from this world altogether. Morbid, maybe. I know that it is the only way we’d ever be parted again and that is scary.

Whatever the causes, depression is bullshit and I hate it.

What It Looks Like: Aggression

It has been a very long time since I have added to the What It Looks Like (WILL) series.  We are at the aggression section.  Obviously, this is a category that I have completely filled in to max severity.  I’m not proud of that.  But it’s true.  I have been on a high dose of Prozac for several years now due to my tendency to snap over anything.  Which, when I think about it, is really odd.  I tend to not get mad at things that most people get mad at.  I measure this by those around me.  And when I do become enraged, I take it out on inanimate objects, only hurting myself in the process.  I’ve injured myself, moderately, for the most part.  I’ve broken many things.   

Most of the things that spark my rage tend to be things I do or mistakes I make right at that moment.  The time I slammed my round hair brush was due to the fact that I kept burning myself on the same spot with a flat iron.  Ridiculous.  But I threw the flat iron and whacked the wall corner with the brush, which dented it.  Another time, I took an oscillating fan and swung it like a baseball bat at the wall… not sure what provoked me there. 

I can still get unreasonably mad, even on mood stabilizers.  But I haven’t erupted in over a year now.  The last time, I broke a lot of dishes.  A LOT.  My ex pushed my buttons, and I was in the kitchen, so kitchen things got thrown. It was a black-out moment.  Again, not proud.   

Having been diagnosed with ASD has helped, as I am far more understanding with myself, and I can see where things are coming from.  I have also been able to keep myself out of situations that might trigger aggression as well.  This includes finally moving out and separating from my ex. That particular change has really made a world of difference.   

Work and ASD

Any other ASD people out there find themselves to be too efficient at work?  It can’t just be me.  When I started this position last June, there had been no one doing the job for several months.  I had over 600 emails to wade through.  These emails were half junk and half people wanting to ask weird medical questions or get an appointment.  They should only be new patients requesting an appointment, alas, people are stupid and just use the email portal for whatever they want.  I get really annoyed when people can’t follow simple instructions or read them, for that matter.  I have little patience for that sort of bullshit.  But of course, no matter what I tell them, I still have a few patients that will repeatedly email me for everything.  I’ve started using a generic “do not reply” message because it is just more efficient.  Technically, I am supposed to call each person and see if they want an appointment with the practice.  After a few months of doing this, it was more than clear that 8 out of 10 people would answer their phones, at which point I had to leave a message and email them too.  So, I’m just emailing now.  Which cuts my workload by 70 percent.  Too efficient, but I do what I can to not have to call people and talk on the phone.  The rest of my time is waiting on other people to do their job.  Our practice is run by a corporation, and I don’t care for the business model.   

I’ve started blogging at work, for lack of other things to do.   

Work blogging

I don’t care to talk much to people in general, especially over the phone. Big surprise there. Unfortunately, it is a small part of my job. I try to mitigate doing so as much as possible. Doing so makes things run a little more efficiently on my end and people still get a reply from my office. If I could have a job with zero contact with other humans, this would be most ideal. I hate numbers, but I’d rather have to input numbers into a database for 8 hours a day than speak to customers/clients/patients. I know these exist, but I never come across them when job hunting. I’d like an office to myself… sigh… that would be so awesome. One where I could bring in my own lamps with normal light bulbs as opposed to these nasty fluorescent lights that make me want to die.

I find that by 12 in the afternoon, I am finished with the bulk of my work for the day and have to pretend to be busy when I’m just not busy at all. I just sit here and click back and forth between tabs, refresh my email over and over, and make more coffee just to have something to do. I read sometimes, but I don’t want it to be obvious… I certainly don’t want to invite any other responsibilities on top of those I already have. To be clear, I am already taking on tasks outside of my actual position, and I don’t want more.

So, I’m blogging to fill up some time and make it sound like I am working on work stuff, like emails and crap. I am looking forward to the 3 day week we have next week, thanks to Thanksgiving. That’s what I’m thankful for! I’ve also been reflecting on the major changes over the last five months. I’m still very much taken aback at where I am now, versus where I was in June, both physically and mentally. From my position on the spectrum, I’m not sure how I handled it all so well, at least, I hope I did from anyone else’s standpoint. Not that I care how one views the way I do things or the choices I make, but in general, I suppose.

15 years go, when I left Florida and Bubs, to say my world had shattered would be a gross understatement. I knew I’d physically survive, but I’d never love anyone nearly as much as I loved him. And that was very much the case, I had two serious relationships and while I did love those people, it was nowhere near in the same capacity in which I had, and still do, love Bubs. I never knew I had the capacity to love anyone like that and like I mentioned in a previous post, I realize now that I didn’t really know what that was the first time around with Bubs. I look at him everyday and I’m amazed by it. I’m amazed that he is next to me, in the same room, in the same state!

The horrible feeling of what happened will also never leave. I am in no way concerned that it will happen again; I trust Bubs completely as if the past never happened. But I will never forget the emotional hell itself. I’ve never felt so low and that sort of thing, I believe, never really leaves a person’s memory.

Look at me… Slacking.

Oh hey. I forgot all about this place. It took the rest of September and the early part of October to really get settled and furnished here in the apartment, aka, the money hole. Thats just based purely on rent. We are paying for the area in which we live. But it’s nice. On the whole, rather quiet and safe. Our relationship has survived a few Ikea furniture builds; I refused to take part in the third…

Although I lived with my ex for the last 12 years, I was far more isolated than I realized. I spent all of my time in my bed room. Not that I don’t thrive in solitude, but it was too much. It’s been nice having someone to spend time with that I don’t want to punch for just existing. That sounds harsher than I really mean, but when you cant stand shit anymore, you just can’t stand it ANYMORE. And it’s odd because I have lived with Bubs before, of course, when we were in our early 20’s, but we were so very different from who we are now. There is much to be said for age, though I still don’t think age automatically equals respect as the Boomies would shove down our throats. Gotta earn that shit. Anyway…

Having tried to move on from my first go-round with Bubs and, in turn, trying to love someone else only underscored how very much I loved and still love Bubs. I don’t know how I was even able to try and love another. That’s not to say I didn’t love them, just nowhere near as deeply. Life was not the same without him and I am not doing that ever again. We are both on the ASD I spectrum, have very strong but very different PTSD, we both deal with anxiety and depression, but together, we are happy. And for both of us, it has been years. He was with someone horrible and I was just living one giant lie, to put it simply.

My girl beagle, Claire, has come to live with us very recently and she is having a time adjusting. Her beagle brother, one cat brother and three cat sisters are still with my ex in our old house. She howls all day when I am at work, pretty much no matter what Bubs does, aside from holding her on the couch. She sounds like a tornado siren… it’s so pathetic, so sad. We also have several fish… Hall, Oates, Simon, Garfunkel, Cindi and Fernando. Three neon danios, two neon striped barbs(?) and a blue shark of some sort. And two very pregnant ghost shrimp that don’t have names because they are identical. We have a very odd household.

A Little Change, A Lot of Sims 4

That’s what I have been getting into. Now that I am finished with the Master’s, my Autie (trying to drop “Aspie” 😦 ) pandemic routine has solidified sufficiently enough that I am having a hard time adjusting what I really want. That might sound confusing. I want to add activities that I love, that I just did not have the time to do when I was in school. This goes back to 2011, when I enrolled in Kaplan University, in the Associate’s program for legal studies. I really enjoyed it and when it came time to finish up with my internship, I transferred all of my associate’s credits to the history BA program at Southern New Hampshire University. Jump to Jan 2018, I finished that degree and jumped right into the MS for political science. And now I’m done!…. maybe. There is an MEd that is calling my name.

Until the pandemic closures and panic, almost exactly a year ago, I had to fight for my “hermitism”. It has been nice hiding behind the pandemic, and I don’t have to answer for much of my withdraw from normal human interactions. However, the largest drain on my time, school, is over. Having my shoulder surgery back in January has been even more wonderful. I’ll take surgery and a painful recovery over traditional work any day. I don’t want to go back to work in the normal world, and I don’t think I will. If I do, I will probably drop down to two days instead of four. I’d honestly rather be financially stressed (because let us be honest, that is not getting solved anytime soon by our government) than socially stressed by having to work a normal job.

Anyway. I want to add things to my daily (EVERY SINGLE DAY) routine of: Wake up, coffee, Animal Crossing. If I have therapy, I’ll shower next and head out for that. If not, I’ll keep going on the routine that picks back up after therapy days. If I’m not going out, I skip the shower, and I might wash my hair. In the late afternoon, my routine turns into routine staring at the wall until I decide what I want to do… which is why I just end up staring at the wall. I could paint, play world of warcraft, watch a few Studio Ghibli films, listen to an audiobook, play more ACNH… play Mario or Mortal Kombat. I forget to eat. I play the Sims 4, like I normally do instead of any of the other options. I turn on the audiobook. I could pick up one of the many books I already have started… but which one???? I should really get back into being a devotee of Hekate; I can always work on that, but I don’t. I make myself a cup of tea because I suddenly remember I have tea and I never make it.

I’m tired. So I take a nap. What day is it? Maybe I’ll work on my digital art, so I grab my iPad Pro and Pencil 2. I’m suddenly aware of how extremely hungry I am. I should eat. But I gotta pee first. Okay! Gonna hop on Rosetta Stone Online, because I have the entire language catalog open to me, as well as free native tutoring online. I play around on all three languages I am prioritizing at the moment; German, French and Italian. I have a few planners that I should use… I’ve tried. I have tried everything from open freedom all day to planning everything by the hour, actually fitting in set times for anything mentioned above, plus. Even writing in this blog. I am overwhelmed by my freedom of choice, but I can’t make myself a structured day either.

Either way, I’m overdue for a tattoo.

What it Looks Like: Abnormal Posture

I filled out this pie chart shortly before my formal evaluation and diagnosis. I have since come to learn that while my posture while sitting isn’t necessarily bad; I always try to sit up, rather than hunched over, but that is about it. Most of the time, I am either abnormally stiff or I am folded up into myself, usually holding onto a decorative pillow if one is near. My days at home are spent cross-legged on my bed, laptop in front of me or actually on my lap. I sleep curled inward.

It might be different for everyone else, but I do these things for security. Make myself small, holding a pillow, etc. I was definitely off the mark when I filled in this area of my chart.

Just Because?

Because I’m smart, I’m supposed to do something great?

I didn’t stop to ask.

I was told that because I am smart, I am going to do something great.

But what is great? To my mom, it was becoming a scientist (or along those lines) and discovering new and great things that would change the world. It was also growing up and marrying a man and having children.

Me: I like science, I’m good at it, but I don’t want to do it for life. I don’t want to be well-known and scrutinized by the world at large…. what the fuck…. I DON’T WANT THAT AT ALL.

Also Me: NEVER WANTED CHILDREN. Not even on my radar growing up and when I hit my teen years, my mom turned into Maria Theresa of Austria, obsessed with me starting my period… Which didn’t happen because I have dysfunctional ovaries. Literally. I tried to force myself to get pregnant with medical help and the end result was me cutting up myself in super destruction meltdown, post miscarriage.

ALSO, also Me: While I’m bisexual and have been, knowingly, from a young age, I never really wanted to marry anyone. I am 98% more attracted to women than I am men. I have a preference. Get over it.

I’m only 37 and I am just done. I spent my entire life trying to be what others wanted me to be, plus just trying to do what I wanted. I never got what I wanted… and I hate myself for it.

What It Looks Like: Social Difficulties

We turn our attention to the purple segment.

I talked a little about social naivety in an earlier post. I hate being redundant, so I won’t talk about the same case here.

What I can say for certain, is that my discomfort around other people goes beyond the quirky and funny memes most “introverts” can relate to these days. Communicating by texts can still be just as disruptive and jarring as a phone call or a face-to-face meeting. I’ve done a fine job of classically conditioning myself to dread a text based on who sent it, due to the fact that certain people have certain alert tones. I resisted using FB messenger for years because I feel like that was just one of too many ways that someone could get ahold of me. I feel that same levels of social discomfort when playing World of Warcraft (WoW) and there are too many players in the same zone, just trying to play and quest like me. I inevitably get frustrated and turn off the game. My guild has become very active with new members; I don’t know any of them and they are super active in guild chat. It’s distracting and annoying. Every achievement you make, someone has a congratulatory add-on that automatically sends a message out on the guild chat… to which you are supposed to reply like a normal person with a “ty”. I hate those add-ons. They feel so invasive and insincere. I have a fragile social bubble and I need to start working with that fact.

I think that is one of the many reasons I have always loved the Sims gaming franchise; no live players. Plus, it is literally my own little world, down to every detail. As an Aspie woman, who is openly queer, the real world was definitely not made for me. Oddly, my computer system is forcing me to come face to face with loss only a gamer can understand… the loss of saved games. It is the absolute worst. After Apple released the new Catalina system software, it caused a lot of problems with running the Sims 4. Something happens to a specific file within the game files on the hard drive. It is a glitch that really has no solution, other than to delete the corrupted file; loosing all saved game information. Every house, every family…. I spend days and months creating these worlds. All populated by families I design. I’ve had to cut down on that due to the fact all work will inevitably be lost at random. I love to make several large families and have them populate the different neighborhoods; then they move into the other “worlds” within the game and so on.

Obviously, this is a huge part of my extreme self-care as an Aspie even before I knew what that meant for me.

Translated into my real life, I curate my friends and social activities whenever possible. For me, this is largely avoiding certain activities and learning how to initiate gathering that I would enjoy. Herein lies a huge problem… I hate hosting anything more than two guests. I hate planning events. HATE IT. Too many expectations. My family is big on tradition and getting together for whatever reason we can. This pandemic has largely been a relief for me and my social issues.

Looking back on past social situations, I realize that I have never approached anyone I don’t know. That classic, walk up to someone and say “hey”… That has never and will never happen. I find such an absurd idea. But how do I meet people? Of course I’ve introduced myself to people before, but it has been because the social interaction was absolutely unavoidable, like the first day of school when you meet the new students in your class. As stressful as those days and situations are; I have perfected the masking that is necessary for those times. Being at a bar (cliché, I know) and just walking up to someone is just the most absurd idea to me. These are the times you’ll see my poor eye contact come into play, and I usually end up looking at a person’s mouth or nose when they are talking to me. And I register nothing, immediately forgetting their name…. That they literally just told me.