I don’t care to talk much to people in general, especially over the phone. Big surprise there. Unfortunately, it is a small part of my job. I try to mitigate doing so as much as possible. Doing so makes things run a little more efficiently on my end and people still get a reply from my office. If I could have a job with zero contact with other humans, this would be most ideal. I hate numbers, but I’d rather have to input numbers into a database for 8 hours a day than speak to customers/clients/patients. I know these exist, but I never come across them when job hunting. I’d like an office to myself… sigh… that would be so awesome. One where I could bring in my own lamps with normal light bulbs as opposed to these nasty fluorescent lights that make me want to die.
I find that by 12 in the afternoon, I am finished with the bulk of my work for the day and have to pretend to be busy when I’m just not busy at all. I just sit here and click back and forth between tabs, refresh my email over and over, and make more coffee just to have something to do. I read sometimes, but I don’t want it to be obvious… I certainly don’t want to invite any other responsibilities on top of those I already have. To be clear, I am already taking on tasks outside of my actual position, and I don’t want more.
So, I’m blogging to fill up some time and make it sound like I am working on work stuff, like emails and crap. I am looking forward to the 3 day week we have next week, thanks to Thanksgiving. That’s what I’m thankful for! I’ve also been reflecting on the major changes over the last five months. I’m still very much taken aback at where I am now, versus where I was in June, both physically and mentally. From my position on the spectrum, I’m not sure how I handled it all so well, at least, I hope I did from anyone else’s standpoint. Not that I care how one views the way I do things or the choices I make, but in general, I suppose.
15 years go, when I left Florida and Bubs, to say my world had shattered would be a gross understatement. I knew I’d physically survive, but I’d never love anyone nearly as much as I loved him. And that was very much the case, I had two serious relationships and while I did love those people, it was nowhere near in the same capacity in which I had, and still do, love Bubs. I never knew I had the capacity to love anyone like that and like I mentioned in a previous post, I realize now that I didn’t really know what that was the first time around with Bubs. I look at him everyday and I’m amazed by it. I’m amazed that he is next to me, in the same room, in the same state!
The horrible feeling of what happened will also never leave. I am in no way concerned that it will happen again; I trust Bubs completely as if the past never happened. But I will never forget the emotional hell itself. I’ve never felt so low and that sort of thing, I believe, never really leaves a person’s memory.
Female Divergent 